Love is in the air, right?
I would like to bring up one amazing, usually wrong understood emotion. It is the strongest and the most powerful one from whole scale of feelings. But its power is equal to its pureness. I want to tell you story about how I felt in love. And I promise, it is not as one from Hollywood coo-production 😉
Since autumn 2015 I truly have done everything according my inner feelings. That means that I do what I love and do my best to continue with it (which often requires to go far behind my comfort zone but I´ve got used to it). I trust in myself and I do never consider my (what someone can call) mistakes, as some wrong steps. I do my best to learn a lesson and if I don´t like something I´m doing my best to change it.
Those my beliefs brought me in the autumn of 2016 to beautiful (behind sandy beach hidden) harbor in Oslo and I found myself living on the old, sailing boat with name Preciosa. I lived at Preciosa around two months, far behind my comfort zone with still changing crew and without running water.
Preciosa, challenge accepted.
Preciosa is sailing boat from 70´s, which 4 young Norwegian boys around 17 built by themselves, from the cheapest materials and furnished by pieces from older boats. Then they packed themselves and sailed around the world, cause there is still an option, if you really want to do something. (And believe me, in 70´s it wasn´t so super common to travel around a world.) Simple said, Preciosa has amazing history and it was a big honor for me to live at it. I have learned a lot about living in a “house on the road” and I prepared myself better for my dream van. She was also my safety ship, when I didn´t know where else to go. But, in the same time, it was until now, one of the hardest period in my life.
(Preciosa will be soon on the sea again, so if you will meet her, please say my hello 😉 )
Why not so?
I lived for two months without running water, toilet, stable heating, on the cold sea far away from city rush. Ama-azing idea, right? (at least for me! 😀 and I´m not kidding) If you travel and enjoy the flow. But I had enormously big troubles with concentration and focusing on following my plan. I´m strongly independent person, I love great company, but I need my privacy, my intimacy and my working place. When I lived on the boat, I was “part of the crew” and I wanted to participate as much as I could, and in the same time trying to hold my independence and follow my “what I want to do” list.
It can be more highlighting to express condition – What usually takes me around two hours in the morning, before I´m ready to live my day (hygiene, meditation, stretching, cleaning mess from evening, reading.. ) took me there whole day and my list haven´t been so big at all. In the same time, I was running out of money, after strong emotional turbulence, trying to find a job and place to stay with a fear that I did something wrong. That I have to run away, and that I´m not strong enough for that. I couldn´t push myself to do what I want and need to do, for far long time.
Lost in the situation? Start from yourself 😉
I tried at least to do my best and stay mentally healthy . I focused on myself as much as I could and have been looking for answers what is going on, why am I so stacked in this situation and why do I feel so helpless.
The problem was..
I was expecting for long time a person who will save me from that situation and I was waiting on that moment (but of course, I have never said it loud). This state when I hoped in my imaginary “prince” has reflected in my life (don´t get me wrong, I wasn´t expecting lover, just someone who will give me everything what I needed that time). I left others to help me with small things which I could do by myself. (I mean cooking, passing a glass of water, rolling cigarette, shopping… ) It is good to let others to help you when you can´t manage, but when I let others to take care of me too much with things what I was just too lazy to do by myself, I lost for a moment my freedom and independence, which I appreciate so much.
Do you feel that you have lost control in your life?
Start in small and take your control back.
Do you know how to eat an elephant?
You have to start with pieces. (I can Academy)
I started to do everything by myself, and those things, which I let others to do for me I considered very well if am I just lazy or it is really wiser to receive help act. (As for example taking 25 kg heavy bottle of water through 2 boarding ladders when I´m 159 cm high, around 55 kg heavy woman and it is slicky and cold outside – I could do it by myself, I also did it once so I knew that I´m able, but it is much easier job for some strong guy than for me.) I started my healing process and if you remember I told you about conclusion and my amazing experiences after around two weeks when I took my life back.
From my diary:
“So, it is like this. Each day I have to wake up with new energy source and get away from boat and go. Go and with each minute of my day try to cross borders with my fears. I´m lost in Oslo looking for a job. It is beautiful autumn atmosphere and I´m sitting in harbor surrounded by fancy old-style looking boats and seagulls with with view of Oslo fjord. Those ships are dreams which someone made come true. It was a vision on the beginning and this is the realization. So what will be my realization?“
I tried to do my best and it was worthy.
But why am I telling you how lost I have been when I promised one about love? Because through this difficult life situation I grow up into even stronger, more independent and free woman. I discovered what I´m able to do for my dreams and my happiness. I stood up on my feet in one week, I found a job and week after an accommodation. But what is more important, I found also new friends and new aspects of view through people from work and those who I met in purpose of living condition.
Be thankful maan!
Yes, you have heard it one thousand times, and believe me I will remind it to you again (and again!). Be thankful maan!
I became so thankful for everything. I was broke, living in conditions which I mentioned but each evening I was thinking about everything for what I´m thankful for. For everything what made me happy that day. (For each toilet which I could use instead of wondering ´where now´ 😀 ) There are many, believe me, you should try it.
“I woke up. I have running water, I have food to eat, I have clothes to wear, I have heart to love.
Life is good.
Unexpected, but I felt in love there 😉
This period, of staying on the boat thought me a lot. It gave me many lessons and I´m very proud that I decided to take control of my life back again, since just I can live results. But this period, also helped me to explore love in her purest form. I felt in love with myself. (:D maybe it is funny expression but I can´t find other words to named it)
But, don´t get me wrong, I love myself, I love my body and I love my life, but when I left boat and came back to “normal life” (I mean with shower, toilet and as a working person) I had enough time to understand how a huge help I received from my body during each day on Preciosa (or during each crazy thing what I decide to do). My body was holding me even if I haven´t been noticing. Survived each illness, injury or physically hard work without any help of nowadays medical service (and don´t get me wrong, for much further period than 2 months 😛 ). I became thankful and trustful to my body since I trust to my body as I had never trusted. I realized how amazing living thing it is, and that it will still tell me what it needs and wants.
Have you noticed how great body do you have? 🙂
If you are lucky as I´m, you have body which can work, run, jump, hike, climb, cook, swim, fuck, make you feel comfy and warm. You have eyes which can see, you have ears which can hear and you have mouth to express yourself. Your heart is pumping without break and your lungs keep taking breaths. (And I can continue for days.)
I understood, that what we put to our body, we receive from it. Maybe not immediately, but it will show up one day for sure. I want to treasure it with love and care. My mind is strictly against boxing, so I don’t call it some kind of diet, I just feel what my body needs and I´m doing my best to give it to it.
I love my body and I trust my body as I love and trust myself. And this is important at first beginning of following your dreams.
This is the first type of love which I wanted to mention– self love. And others can´t come without realization of the first one.